You know you’re REALLY poorly (and a woman, and British) when…


1) Everything makes you well up. Like a Building Society ad or a local news story about a dog who rescued a budgie. Mr Tumble will have you weeping uncontrollably.

2) You’re approaching 40, have children of your own, and the ONLY thing you want is your mum and dad to make a fuss of you. Sympathy over Skype isn’t quite the same, but it’s better than nothing, and definitely better than the slight vibe of resentment you’re getting from your husband because you’re ‘having a day off’.

3) You call in sick to work without even a shadow of guilt. There’s none of this should I-shouldn’t I internal conflict nonsense. If you even tried to set foot in your office your colleagues would lock you in the stationery cupboard and push pancakes under the door for lunch.

4) You cancel every social event in your calendar, even the daytime non-alcoholic ones. Make-up is therefore foregone on the basis that no-one outside the home is going to see you, and you don’t want your husband to be fooled by your war-paint into thinking you’re OK.

5) You would normally crawl over hot coals to perform your motherly duty, but you can’t muster the strength to take the kids to school, let alone do any kind of housework. It’s time for hubby to step up his game. Try to ignore the look of martyrdom and the growing pile of laundry.

6) The doctor gives you antibiotics.

7) The doctor gives you antibiotics based purely on how awful you sound on the phone (actual appointments being reserved only for emergencies who call before 8.05a.m and you’re too British to insist).

8) You actually consider not kissing your kids good night because you don’t want them catching your Germans.

9) Alcohol isn’t even tempting, even in Hot Toddy format. A mere cold is just a good excuse to drink whiskey, but the way you feel bedtime won’t even wait for the kettle to boil.

10) When you finally re-join the human race people keep accusing you of passing it onto them, regardless of what their symptoms are. The fact they’re still standing tells you they don’t have what you had but you apologise anyway because you’re British.


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